NOT Perfect, But I Want to Be and I Want You to Think I Am!

"My idea of who I should be is at war with who I am. I want to be perfect in every situation. I just do. I want to know what to do. I want to know how to do it right. And I want to do it. All. By. My. Big. Self. Not only do I want to do everything perfectly, I want to look perfect while I do it." Grace for the Good Girl, Emily P. Freeman.

Reflecting can be painful

Anyone who knows me knows this is true about me, but the truth is, I don't do it perfectly, that part I hide. I'm not hiding some deep dark sin (sorry people), it's subtle, small, and seems so trivial that it's easy to justify hiding it. "It's no big deal" I tell myself. Ok, confession time!

I yell at my kids, (I know probably not as much as I shocker as I'd hope you thought it was). I fear my kids don't love God as much as I hope you think they do. They are "good" kids, don't get me wrong, but they struggle to be "on fire" for God, as many teen Christians do. I'm not as good as a wife as I hope you think I am. My "good wife" mask looks pretty good, except when I let my real self leak through with a complaint about my husband, or a dirty look I cast his way when I think he's being annoying. My house isn't always clean, some days it's down right embarrassing. Like. Right. Now.

I am a perfectionist I'm about to go back on the mission field and I want people desperately to think I've got it all together. I'm afraid if they find out that I fear and I feel lonely and alone sometimes, then no one will want to partner with us. Missionaries are supposed to be perfect and have everything planned out, right? They are supposed to be super Christians. But we don't have all the plans together, we truly have put ourselves in a position of forced trust in God's provision, and the trust is, I'm not completely convinced it will work out (at least the way I have planned). I do not have "super" faith, I have to consistently take my thoughts captive and recommit to the weak faith I actually have.

Wow, now I'm embarrassed for myself. I also fear that this authentic confession will come across as "trendy" with some hidden agenda to make myself appear even more "perfect" in my imperfection. I've gone back in forth with whether I should even post this. This is not like my other posts, humorous comedy about my failings as a recovering supermom. This one is raw truth, and I have to admit, I like salted, seasoned, steamed truth better than the raw stuff anyway (unless it's dipped in ranch).